I’m not the type of person that likes to talk about how I’m feeling.  You could ask my closest friends, and they could tell you that 9 times out of 10, they have no idea of what’s going on with me.  It’s not because I choose to not tell them how I feel, it’s that every time I go to talk.. nothing comes out.

If you follow me on Twitter or FB then you may have seen some semi-cryptic status updates and may have been wondering, ‘Da hell is wrong with this dude?’.

Well, alot.

Ma Dukes has been home from work for the past several weeks and is in the process of trying to go out on disability because she’s doesn’t have the energy to work. Although she seems fine (outside of the constant drinking and smoking which is STILL an issue to me anyways), my sister told me about ALL of her health issues. Everything from the new cataracts from the spots on her brain. My sister told me that the list my mother showed her a list of about fifteen health issues she has going on that NONE of us knew about.

My issue with all of this is, if something were to happen tomorrow, how would we know? My mother is only 59 years old, and I feel that she SHOULDN’T be going through this. I feel helpless as hell because there’s not much I can do. I try to be supportive, but how can you be supportive when you have no idea what’s going on?

I don’t even know how I’m supposed to be able to handle watching my mother go through all of this. To make matters worse, she doesn’t eat properly (if at all) and smokes and drinks as if its nothing.

Yeah. I feel helpless as hell.

Since Ma Dukes hasn’t been at work in addition to having furlough days (days that government employees are required to take off work sans pay due to budget cuts and constraints), I’ve been trying to figure out how the household bills are going to be paid. I work part time and go to school full-time and my neice (who moved in with us) works full time, but we don’t know how were going to manage paying the mortgage and the basic household bills. 

Currently, I’m in the process of looking for a second job and have even considered leaving school AND foregoing the internship in Germany next summer  just to make sure that everything is cool at home. I only have ten classes left before getting my degree, but I figure that I have to do what needs to be done. (I have NOT withdrawn from school, by the way)

Combine all of this with the normal end of the semester stress of finishing work, final exams and all the school stuff…

It’s more than apparent that i’m beyond stressed.

Remember my Photography blog Visual Expression and the plans I had to start it up again 2 days ago? Well, sometime in the middle of last week, I scrapped that Idea and joined Redbubble. It’s a spot for artists (Photographers, designers, artists, etc.) to go share and get critique on their work. Seeing as how my photo blog barely got 20 hits a day when it WAS up and running earlier this year, I figured I’d switch things up a bit.

You can find my profile at: http://www.redbubble.com/people/brran1

What’s good Blogland?

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. The semester is winding down, work is still work and I’m in need of a serious vacation. Anyways, after the crappy weekend I’ve just had, I hit YouTube to look for something to make me laugh. Here’s what I found.

(I was sent the link for the first video by the homie Mr. Jones. )

1.) Finding out you have another sibling is a big deal. I don’t even know where to begin to look.

2.) I needed a drink yesterday.

3.) It is unsettling watching two people fight one moment and then go on to act as if nothing happened the next.

4.) You were out of line the other day.

5.) Thank you for the advice the other night. I really needed it.

6.) Cause and Effect. Think about it.

7.) It’s starting to make sense now.

8.) Today’s your birthday and I’ll probably be out of it all day because of it.

9.) It amazes me how your presence can flip my mood. Not too many people have that gift.

10.) You burned it. There’s no such thing as Cajun Rice. lol

What’s up Blogland?

Remember the Photography Blog that I used to run named Visual Expression? Well, back in May I had to go on hiatus due to the fact that I bricked my laptop in a misguided attempt to “fix it”. Because of that and the fact that I didn’t have any photos backed up, I gave up on my photo blog.

Last weekend in another miguided attempt to “fix” my laptop, I actually did! Well, it’s back to the state it was 6 months ago, but it’s semi-working again!

Posting over at Visual Expression will resume on 11/16/2009.  That’s right. 10 Days from now. Hopefully, that’ll give me enough time to squeeze in a photoshoot or two plus Post Production.

Why not head over there now to check out the photos that are already posted? http://vized.wordpress.com

Don’t forget to drop some comments!

1.) Why are you wasting my time?

2.) I didn’t forget about you. I have to make those phone calls today.

3.) You wanted attention, now you have it. Why are you trying to switch up your M.O.?

4.) I’ve known you for 3 years and I still think you’re full of shit. The stuff that comes out of your mouth makes sense to no one but YOU.

5.) We need to start studying for these exams. Where the hell are you?

6.) I hope you feel better soon. I’ll keep you up to speed with everything.

7.) It’s crazy how everything turned out. Be that as it may, you still need to adapt to the situation versus being stuck in your ways. You’re only making it hard on yourself by doing so.

8.) I’m much more like you than you realize. Blood is DEFINITELY thicker than water.

9.) You make me laugh. I’m talking about one of those laughs from deep in your gut. Yea.. one of those.

10.) Um, I know it’s early November.. can we get through Thanksgiving before you start trying to make plans for New Years? Sheesh.

11.) This is much harder than I thought it’d be. Thanks for helping me stick with it though.

On Monday Morning, I did it. After spending the latter part of last week running all over campus to procure the necessary forms and transcripts and spending part of Saturday working on my resume, I submitted the application internship that I have been mentioning often on Facebook and Twitter quite a bit over the course of the past couple of weeks.

I have to admit that I’m still nervous and excited though. The internship is with the same Governmental Agency I worked with last summer. The only difference is that instead of complaining about the traffic in and around D.C., I’ll be blogging and working live and direct from Germany for eight weeks. I don’t think that I’m nervous about having the job, I think I’m nervous about the fact that the internship is in Europe. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always wanted to travel and If selected, I’ll use the opportunity to my advantage. I’m still nervous about travelling away from my family and friends for that long period of time. The summer before last when I went to Atlanta for three months, I felt the same way I felt now. As soon as I got there, everything was cool and I actually didn’t want to come back to Baltimore when it was time to.

Who am I kidding. I already know that I have it in the bag.

I asked when I would hear back from the job to see if I did get the internship. I was told not to expect a response back until early February 2010.

Semi-Random Thought of the Moment: Es wird getan is the German translation of ‘It is done’.

The Song of the Moment: “A Tale of Two” by Eric Roberson

After reading Sixty’s blog post about Sparkpeople.com, I decided to give the website a try. I signed up, input my fitness goals and my nutritional goals and started on my feeble attempt to remember everything I consumed over the past two days. Although I hadn’t eaten anything too extreme (outside of that cheesesteak last Wednesday from Al Pacino’s Pizza), the website put things into perspective for me and opened my eyes to some things.

Although I may be meeting my daily caloric, fat intake, protein and carb needs, everything else is all over the place! Most of the intake amounts for the vitamin and minerals I need were anywhere from 50-200 grams under/over what I should have. One thing I can recall about the chart was that I’m supposed to consume between 2,000-3,500 grams of Potassium a day. For 10/31, I consumed 4,599 grams worth. o_O. Granted, I know it was only two days worth of information, but I’m thinking about checking out multivitamins.

I’m starting to learn that controlling your weight is alot more than just watching your calories. It’s also about controlling your intake of vitamins and minerals such as Sodium, Potassium, Vitamin A, etc. They play almost as big a role as the amount of calories you consume on a daily basis in controlling your weight.

I tend to eat the same things throughout the course of the day, everyday: Boneless skinless chicken, some type of fish (Salmon, Tilapia, etc), Steamed vegetables AND salad on top of countless bottles of water. Seeing as how I just signed up for Sparkpeople on Saturday, I think it’ll be interesting to figure out how the food I eat affects the charts. 

Also, due to being sick three weeks ago, having midterms two weeks ago AND being at work for the past ten days straight (covering for a coworker who went out on vacation), I haven’t been to the gym since October 12th. Since the Y of Central Maryland is taking my money anyway, why not go? I’ll be in the gym later on this evening after I get my hair cut AND i’ll be at the gym tomorrow to lift weights (which I haven’t done since early October).

My gym schedule consists of Cardio (running 2+ miles and 1 mile on the elliptical machine) on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and Cardio and Weight Lifting on Tuesday and Thursday. It shouldn’t be too hard to stick to going to the gym Monday through Thursday, but Friday may be up in the air depend on whether or not I chose to go out (which 60% of the time isn’t an issue).

Finally, I called the doctor about the results from the Sleep Study I did back in late September. I am relieved to say that I do NOT have Sleep Apnea.

Random Thought of the Moment: “I need a notebook to write everything down in. Sheesh…”

The Song of the Moment: “Get Out of My Hair” by Bilal

1.) When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in Southeast, duck and cover.

2.) I miss you.

3.) “Tell me who I have to be, to get some re-ciprocity?”

4.) Al Pacino Pizza on Falls Road has the best Cheeseteak in Baltimore.

5.) You’re confusing me. You send out more mixed signals than a blind Air Traffic Controller.

6.) It’ll all work out for you. Don’t stress it.

7.) I’ve been cutting the fat out of my life in more ways than one recently. No point in allowing things/people to hold me back anymore.

8.) Why can’t you see things my way for once?

9.) If you refuse to take yourself seriously, why should I even bother trying to?

10.) You wouldn’t have to complain about money so much if you sat down, came up with a budget and stuck with it.

One day last month, I finished my workout at the gym and was on my way home. Coldplay was blaring through the speakers as I stopped at a red light. I picked up my phone and saw that I had a missed call from my aunt. I checked my voicemail and returned the phone call and within a few minutes…

I was on the phone with my older sister. Not the one that drives my mother crazy with her antics, but my father’s only daughter. I was truly shocked and nervous because I hadn’t spoken to her since before our father died, and even then that was the only time we’d spoken in my entire life.

As we caught up, I noticed alot of similarities between us although we’ve never met. A couple of days later, we spoke again and I called our older brother and younger brother on the phone. This was the first time that all four of my dad’s kids were on the phone and it definitely was an interesting conversation.

Peep the convo before lil bro and my older sister jumped on the line, below.

Me: Yea man, this is crazy.

Older Bro: I guess you’re tryna be like pops.

Me: What do you mean?

Older Bro: You’re trying to keep us all together man.

I guess I am trying to keep the family together.

(Sorry that this post really isn’t all that cohesive. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, and just needed to get this off of my chest.)

Random Thought of the Moment: “I guess it’s true when people say ‘Blood is thicker than Water’.”

The Song of the Moment: “Rip Her to Shreds” by Blondie