Preface: This post is in no way shape or form an attempt to disrespect or demean anyone. These are my thoughts: real, raw and unabashed.
I’ve always been the type of person that has been known to go out of their way to do for others. There have been times where I’ve driven across town from school, knowing I was low on gas just to drop off some food for a friend because I stopped past Checkers for myself. There have been times when I’ve gone out of my way to pick a friend up from work on a few occasions. There was the time when I ferried one of my boys and his “broad of the moment” around while they were out on a “date”. There was even a time when I drove a friend back home to PG County (pretty much 5 minutes from the DC-MD border) at 3 AM because the friend that brought her to Baltimore did not feel like taking her back home. I mention these things, not because of wanting to gloat, and not because I’m trying to cop the ‘Best Friend of the Year’ award, but because I don’t mind doing for people that I hold close to me.
All of these things are within my limit of tolerance. But sometimes, friends somehow manage to overstep their boundaries and you have to pull them back as if they were one of those little kids on a leash.
When is enough, enough? How do you know if it’s time to regulate or if it’s time to just sit back and roll with the punches?
Within the past few weeks, a situation erupted between two of my friends that involved one of their significant others. I’m not willing to go into details but let’s just say that this situation is reminiscent of a situation that occurred in the past that resulted in Friend A & Friend B not talking to each other for almost three years of High School. The situation that occurred recently could have been handled differently on both parts, but I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about the boundaries in your friendships.
In any type of relationship (be it professional, romantic, or just a plain ole friendship) some give and take has to occur. There can’t be one party trying to run the show, while the other party just goes along for the ride. I personally don’t feel as if skirting around issues will work either, because at some point, the relationship loses it’s realness. It becomes a ‘duck and dodge’-ship.
I really didn’t want to give details but after reading what I have written so far, I feel details will make this post more cohesive. Friend A can be very boisterous at times. At times, she is loud, she cracks jokes on people and is ready to buck at a moment’s notice. When the aforementioned situation occurred and even when previous rifts have taken place, it seemed as if Friend A absorbed what was being said and just went on as if the situation never occurred. If your friend tells you that being around a person that you happen to be close to makes them uncomfortable, would you still bring that person around? Well she has, and Friend B has eased back into being around this person.
You should be there for your friends sure, but on the other hand, should you be there to the point where your happiness and your comfort are in jeopardy? Should you have to deal with a friend that ignores your wishes while rapping the chorus from that Rocko song? (*rapping* You jus’ do you. Umma do me. Umma do me…) Friend B has let it be known that she does not want to be around Friend A’s significant other and will decline any invitation to go out if said person is tagging along. Well what if dude just pops up with Friend A unannounced? Friend B said she will sit in the car or have whoever brought her take her back home. Going off of prior history, Friend B was not going to bring up the issue to Friend A because she had a feeling that nothing would change. After being persuaded to tell Friend A, she finally caved and did so. I have yet to see if Friend A will still bring dude around us. Only time will tell.
Listening to the situation from outside (I was at dinner with them, but they rode in a separate car, and I left way before they did because I had to go to work in the morning), I told Friend B to let her feelings be known. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed, and personally, I do not want to be around people where the air is stank so to speak. How can people honestly deal with stuff like this? I would have let my feelings be known from jump. And then would have let everyone know (including dude) that I did not wish to be around him. Knowing how Friend A would have most likely disregarded my feelings, I would have done an about face and left them all in the dust. I love my friends dearly, but my personal satisfaction and my being content comes first. I’m not going to place myself in a situation where I’m around someone I don’t want to be around purposely. All that indecisive, keep quiet for the sake of keeping the peace crap is for the birds.
It’s funny. Had the shoe been on the other foot, Friend A would have been rude to the person, she would have been saying stuff under her breathe amongst displaying other immature, childish behaviors.
Random Thought of the Moment: “Damn it’s beautiful outside. I wonder what my brothers are doing right now…”
The Song of the Moment: “What About Your Friends?” by TLC
I probably wouldn’t say anything either, Like your friend.
…BUT I wouldn’t put myself in the position of sitiing in the car.
I go NOWHERE I am uncomfortable.
I have been in a a few situations when I didn’t like being around friend’s significant others. In one situation, that friend didn’t really care if I didn’t like her dude. So after putting my feelings out there to her, I chose to only hang out with her when he wasn’t around…she eventually got the point that I wasn’t a fan and respected my wishes.
In the other situation, my best male friend’s girlfriend disrespected me and I let him know that she would no longer get my respect, so if he didn’t want her feelings hurt, don’t bring her around me…
I always let people know that I will respect their friends, as long as they respect me. At the same time, I let them know that I get vibes from people and I can’t help getting bad vibes from some, but I won’t be a total @$$hole to that person (unless I have to!)
I feel you Lauren. But in this situation, there was an issue before where no one was really feeing dude and Friend A still brought him around. We’re all over it now, but when this popped up it’s kinda sorta like we’re gonna have to start picking and choosing which one of them we want to chill with b/c regardless of what is said to her, she’s still gonna bring him around.
Then you make that choice. If Friend A has not comphrehended that her S/O is not well received by the masses (not just by Friend B) then you don’t hang with either HER or the S/O.
I’m too old to be put in positions where I’m going to be uncomfortable. If Friend A just can’t fathom that she doesn’t have to be attached to S/O 24-7-365 (and to be honest it’s like that at ya’ll’s age) then she gone find herself sans homegirls.
I hate situations like that. Especially on your perspective. It seems like you’re in the middle, which is worse. I’m with Tiffany, tough love seems like it’s the only way to go. She’ll either get lonely and wise up, or completely jump ship to be with S/O. Regardless, some people can’t change and your comfort shouldn’t be bargained with. I think at some point you just have to realize that time is all you have. What you chose to do with it, and who you spend it with are all up to you. Don’t squander it.
I’m not sure I follow. Is the guy so intolerable that you can’t put on your nice face when you’re around him?
I’m sure Friend A finds some redeeming qualities in that person. Can you focus on what is appealing about the friend and try to get along with him?
It’s not me Dennis. I get along with dude. He’s cool people. This post was actually about two of my female friends. I’ve known them since elementary school and they’ve known each other way before I even met them.
In the post, I originally was talking about them, but then as the post went on, I started to mention how I would react if I were in this situation, or rather any other type of situation where I had to be around someone that made me uncomfortable.
I’m merely a spectator in all this. I told Friend B that all of this is between the 3 of them. Even though that is the case, I still listen to what Friend B has to say regarding her feelings on the situation.
“All of these things are within my limit of tolerance. But sometimes, friends somehow manage to overstep their boundaries and you have to pull them back as if they were one of those little kids on a leash.”
Yeah. It’s amazing how, in this world, the more you do things for others the more they will try to overstep their bounds. People often mistake kindness for weakness. My rule is to to punish them for their mistake, in a way that assures the error won’t be repeated. Luckily, as of late, I’ve managed to surrround myself with good folks and this hasn’t been an issue, yet.
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