In Comparison…

Why is it that I compare myself to other people? 

I’m sure most people do this subconsciously, but I’ve noticed that I used to do this fairly often. I’m not saying I do a full size up, but I’ll find myself with a thought that pops into my head like “Damn, why can’t I be that fly?” Or, “Damn, why can’t I have the baddest chick on my arm?” I’ll see a person and think “I like that shirt. I wonder where dude got it from?” and then it morphs into my having thoughts like “Well, even if you did find that shirt, they wouldn’t make it in your size…” I’ve come to realize that I am my worst critic. I critique and over analyze every single move that I make because I wonder and worry about what people will think about me.  Sucks doesn’t it?There have been times where I’ve driven myself into depression, taken drastic measures and even contemplated suicide based off my thoughts about myself. Bet you didn’t know that, huh? Most people that actually know me, would never guess that I would have done the things that I’m talking about now, because I always have on my chilled/laid back hat and I’m always in a positive mood. But, there were times where that was far from being the case.

Here’s an example:

Back in High School, I played football (which I was forced to play by my parents) and I swam on the public swim team in addition to swimming for my HS’s team during Winter season. Being the only black kid was one thing, but I was also the biggest kid on the team. Imagine what it’s like to be around 30 in shape guys for months at a time while you’re the only black kid AND the biggest dude on the team. Although the guys or the coaches never made me feel out of place by their actions (except for that one kid that called me the ‘N’ word), I still felt out of place among all of them and I vowed to fit in.

So here’s what I did: I would go to school, go to Football practice afterwards, leave there, go to swimming practice no less than 30 minutes after Football Practice was over and then would get home around 8-8:30 and stay up until 1 or 2 am doing homework. But here’s the thing. I was starving myself. I ate a ham sandwich at lunch every day and nothing else. I was hungry, sure. But I wouldn’t eat. I barely drank water as well.  I got away with it for awhile too b/c Ma Dukes worked crazy hours so she was never home. I spoke to Dad here and there, but he was hardly ever around. Ma Dukes caught on eventually because all the food she was buying started to go bad.  She gave me $2 a day for lunch and she knew that I would always come straight home after practice because I was dead tired. She never mentioned anything or ask about what I was doing, she just looked at me and said, “You need to eat something”. It’s true when people say, Mothers always know. About 3 days later, I mentally said “Fuck This. I want some chips.”

I’ll never subject myself to that again. That was definitely one of those things that I had to go through in order to learn whatever it was I had to learn.

As I got older, my self esteem picked up and I generally started to feel better about myself. Being in college and working in a hospital where I’m constantly around a large amount of people quite regularly has forced me out of my shell. Just looking back at that 17 year old shy kid that started at Morgan back in the Fall of 2004 and now I’m a 21 year old man that’s learning more about himself and others everyday by interacting with those in the world around me. I definitely notice a change. Now I have days where I feel like crap just like everyone else, but it’s nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I also learned that I can’t try to go out and bend and flex just to appease everyone because at the end of the day, I’ll never do what I want to do or do things because I want to do them.

While talking to Jansen the other day on AIM, he said something to me that I’ve been thinking about for a minute now. He asked me if I had gone out to explore Atlanta, and I told him no because I didn’t have anyone to show me around, and because of the fact that I didn’t wanna seem like a tourist. Jansen said something along the lines of: “Go out and play tourist. Take random pics, go see the sights. And who cares if someone says something about you being a tourist? You’ll never see these bitches again anyways…

Duly noted Jansen, although I have yet to venture out on my own.

Damn, it felt good to get all that off my chest.

Random Thought of the Moment:

“I’m not the funniest 

not the most brilliant

Nor the sexiest (Although this is debatable)

The fastest

The most witty

The best writer

The best listener

The best dresser

far from being a social butterfly

the wealthiest

far from the thinnest

or the most muscular

I’m somewhere in between.

or maybe somewhere on the edges.

And I like that.

I’m just B. 

And that’s all I can be. ”

Random Thought of the Moment “Taking it all one day at a time…”

The Song of the Moment: “Same Ol G” by Ginuwine

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6 Responses to In Comparison…

  1. I totally feel you on this. Though I can’t say that I’ve ever contemplated suicide, but I did have a year where I was super depressed and I don’t think any of the people around me knew it.

    I agree with Jansen. Even if you don’t have anyone to show you around [BTW I haven’t forgotten about you! 🙂 ] you should still go out and see the city. I would hate for you to leave and feel like you didn’t see anything but Atlantic Station and Wal-Mart!

  2. a.tiara says:

    you know..I still compare myself to people so you arent alone there. It really can lead to depression because you will never be the person you are comparing yourself to..u can only be urself. Im glad you climbed out of that stage.

    I think back to when I first started morgan as well and Im so thankful Im not in the same place.

    I with Jansen seeing the sights should be fun! Atlanta is pretty big. Im sure you can find something that interests you. Im still jealous you got out of bmore for a few lol

  3. Timah says:

    I’ve definitely been there myself. But I like your attitude – take it one day at a time.

    I’m a New Yorker so being seen as a tourist is not a good look. I found that I missed experiencing so many cool things about my city being so jaded, though. I also found that going out alone affords me the opportunity to operate on my own schedule and to meet new people that I wouldn’t have met otherwise. Go for it!

  4. GMan says:

    I think everyone has been there at some point. I know I have.

    I think that shedding some of those insecurities and realizing that you are who you are and are fine with it is a defining moment in one’s life.

  5. Horus says:

    Great post and more honest than I could probably be. We all make our situations look great to everyone on the outside and we all have some real questions and real challenges on the inside. When it comes right down to it we are all fighting every single day to be that person we know we can be. Used to be I couldn’t wait to get to a specific point, some vague ideal of what I want life to be like. Nowadays I’m trying to learn how to have fun getting there. I think I’m getting better at that.

  6. brran1 says:

    At first, I was weary about posting this entry. But I’m happy to know that most other people have felt the same way I’ve felt at one time or another.

    Thanks for the comments everyone.

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