I’m not the type of person that likes to talk about how I’m feeling. You could ask my closest friends, and they could tell you that 9 times out of 10, they have no idea of what’s going on with me. It’s not because I choose to not tell them how I feel, it’s that every time I go to talk.. nothing comes out.
If you follow me on Twitter or FB then you may have seen some semi-cryptic status updates and may have been wondering, ‘Da hell is wrong with this dude?’.
Ma Dukes has been home from work for the past several weeks and is in the process of trying to go out on disability because she’s doesn’t have the energy to work. Although she seems fine (outside of the constant drinking and smoking which is STILL an issue to me anyways), my sister told me about ALL of her health issues. Everything from the new cataracts from the spots on her brain. My sister told me that the list my mother showed her a list of about fifteen health issues she has going on that NONE of us knew about.
My issue with all of this is, if something were to happen tomorrow, how would we know? My mother is only 59 years old, and I feel that she SHOULDN’T be going through this. I feel helpless as hell because there’s not much I can do. I try to be supportive, but how can you be supportive when you have no idea what’s going on?
I don’t even know how I’m supposed to be able to handle watching my mother go through all of this. To make matters worse, she doesn’t eat properly (if at all) and smokes and drinks as if its nothing.
Yeah. I feel helpless as hell.
Since Ma Dukes hasn’t been at work in addition to having furlough days (days that government employees are required to take off work sans pay due to budget cuts and constraints), I’ve been trying to figure out how the household bills are going to be paid. I work part time and go to school full-time and my neice (who moved in with us) works full time, but we don’t know how were going to manage paying the mortgage and the basic household bills.
Currently, I’m in the process of looking for a second job and have even considered leaving school AND foregoing the internship in Germany next summer just to make sure that everything is cool at home. I only have ten classes left before getting my degree, but I figure that I have to do what needs to be done. (I have NOT withdrawn from school, by the way)
Combine all of this with the normal end of the semester stress of finishing work, final exams and all the school stuff…
It’s more than apparent that i’m beyond stressed.