Transparency.

I’m not the type of person that likes to talk about how I’m feeling.  You could ask my closest friends, and they could tell you that 9 times out of 10, they have no idea of what’s going on with me.  It’s not because I choose to not tell them how I feel, it’s that every time I go to talk.. nothing comes out.

If you follow me on Twitter or FB then you may have seen some semi-cryptic status updates and may have been wondering, ‘Da hell is wrong with this dude?’.

Well, alot.

Ma Dukes has been home from work for the past several weeks and is in the process of trying to go out on disability because she’s doesn’t have the energy to work. Although she seems fine (outside of the constant drinking and smoking which is STILL an issue to me anyways), my sister told me about ALL of her health issues. Everything from the new cataracts from the spots on her brain. My sister told me that the list my mother showed her a list of about fifteen health issues she has going on that NONE of us knew about.

My issue with all of this is, if something were to happen tomorrow, how would we know? My mother is only 59 years old, and I feel that she SHOULDN’T be going through this. I feel helpless as hell because there’s not much I can do. I try to be supportive, but how can you be supportive when you have no idea what’s going on?

I don’t even know how I’m supposed to be able to handle watching my mother go through all of this. To make matters worse, she doesn’t eat properly (if at all) and smokes and drinks as if its nothing.

Yeah. I feel helpless as hell.

Since Ma Dukes hasn’t been at work in addition to having furlough days (days that government employees are required to take off work sans pay due to budget cuts and constraints), I’ve been trying to figure out how the household bills are going to be paid. I work part time and go to school full-time and my neice (who moved in with us) works full time, but we don’t know how were going to manage paying the mortgage and the basic household bills. 

Currently, I’m in the process of looking for a second job and have even considered leaving school AND foregoing the internship in Germany next summer  just to make sure that everything is cool at home. I only have ten classes left before getting my degree, but I figure that I have to do what needs to be done. (I have NOT withdrawn from school, by the way)

Combine all of this with the normal end of the semester stress of finishing work, final exams and all the school stuff…

It’s more than apparent that i’m beyond stressed.

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7 Responses to Transparency.

  1. sunnydelyte21 says:

    Aww you poor baby. I don’t know if you believe in God, but trying praying. It works.

  2. TravelDiva says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your Ma and all the things she is going through. I know how stressful and worrisome this can be. In the spirit of being transparent, this might be the time to have a serious sit down with your mother and ask HER how SHE plans on taking care of things if she doesn’t plan on getting a handle on her health. Is there an expectation that you and your siblings will sacrifice your futures for the sake of taking care of Mom? I understand that these things happen and that more of us have to act as the caregiver; however, as a family, you might want to have a very candid and transparent converstation about what is going to happen, how it is going to happen and by whom – before you decide to do anything that takes you off the path you were on.

    Once again, I am so sorry for your trial and hope the sun comes out for your spirit real soon.

  3. Tiffany In Houston says:

    I am not in favor of you leaving school at all. AT ALL. AT ALL. You are too close to finishing to stop.

    I agree with TravelDiva, you need to have a come to Jesus with moms and the rest of your siblings to come up with a plan to all pitch in to help. It is NOT FAIR that you sacrifice your dreams and goals to be a martyr. Taking care of family is very important but not at the expense of mortgaging your future. It is not your job to shoulder this load all by your lonesome and I would make that very clear to your siblings and to mom too.

  4. *Coop* says:

    Praying for you homie. You and the family.

  5. Mel says:

    You all are in my prayers. I’m usually around on Gchat if you need an ear to hear.

  6. Linsay says:

    I’ll be praying for you and your family. I know times are hard right now, but trust that God will continue to supply to your needs in times of distress. You may feel powerless right now, but pray that God’s power will reign over all you troubles. I really hope that you won’t have to pass up an amazing internship opportunity in Germany, your needs and dreams are just as important as ever. Be strong, be patient and remember, in the midst of chaos, God is still in control.

  7. Pingback: Transparency, Part II. « The Black Lounge

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